Horror, This is Not

In fact, The Strangers is so bad, one can’t even categorize it as being a horror film. It’s not scary, it’s not original, and it doesn’t spend a lot of time making sense; not that many horror films do, mind you. Instead, what we’re given is a half-hearted attempt at being scary from a director/writer who clearly left intelligence behind in favor of dated, cheap-thrill tactics. It’s hard to be scared of three young people terrorizing two grown adults who have the mental capacity of pieces of wood.

Plot: After a friend’s wedding ceremony, Kristen McKay (Liv Tyler) and James Hoyt (Scott Speedman) drive to the Hoyt family vacation home. It’s the middle of the night and things have turned sour and awkward for the two, as McKay and Hoyt aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on personal, relationship matters. Shortly after arriving, a young girl knocks at the front door and asks for ‘Tanner’. After being told she has the wrong home, she appears to leave. Needless to say, if you’ve seen the trailers, the couple spend the next few hours being ‘terrorized’ by an unlikely trio.

This review will read more like a rant, as sitting through this film was like being punished for an unspeakable sin. In fact, it will instead be composed of questions one can’t help but ask while watching this film. Why do vacation homes not have peep holes on the front doors? Regardless of a nicotine addiction, who goes out to buy cigarettes in the middle of the woods at four in the morning? When one returns and finds their girlfriend with a cut hand and becoming hysterical, would you a)attend to the wound even though you’re not a doctor b)call her a liar and tell her she imagined it or c)take her to the doctor? If you answered both A and B, you will love The Strangers.

The film is so awful, that in one scene, after finally admitting that someone is trying to get in the house, Hoyt takes the appropriate steps and arms himself with a shotgun. He loads it, though he admits he’s never gone hunting with his father. He says, “I’ll shoot anyone who tries to come into this home”. And what do you think happens, moments later, when an ax wielding youth attempts to break through the front door? Hoyt puts the shotgun down and tries to push a bookcase instead to block the doors. THEN he returns for the gun. THEN he fires. And of course, misses his chance to protect himself and McKay. And if you’re questioning his ability to use the gun, don’t worry, moments later he accidentally kills his best friend with a blast to the face in one of the worst scenes ever filmed.

Here’s a tip to anyone who goes to pick up your friend in the middle of nowhere who’s not answering their cell phone: when you arrive at their house, and the car is destroyed and the front door is cut in half, it might be a good idea to call for help on your cell phone before entering. And if you do enter, try calling out the person’s name you’re looking for. Or even asking, ‘Is anyone home?”. Speaking from experience, it just seems downright stupid to enter the home blindly and walk around looking at all the damage that’s been done. Of course, someone this stupid may just deserve eating a mouthful of buckshot.

The acting, what little there was of it, is ok. Tyler spends most of her time scream-whispering while Speedman spends most of his time walking around seemingly shocked by the scenario. But so little of what these characters do makes any sense, that it’s hard to truly judge the acting taking place. It’s frightening enough that a film this stupid was made, but moreso that an actress such as Tyler followed blindly without, apparently, interjecting and questioning some of the decisions the characters were making.

The director, Bryan Bertino, also happens to be the writer, leaving little positive to say about his talents behind the camera or with a pen and paper. Some of the scenes are spooky, he deserves that credit, but most of it is stolen from another film or written with such forced writing that the idiocy of it leaves you scratching your head rather than scared.

It was announced that a sequel is in the works, so apparently leaving your mask behind with hair follicles won’t leave DNA evidence in the realm in which this movie takes place. Not to mention none of the killers were wearing gloves, so, fingerprints are also apparently unheard of.